I know it’s been more than four years since my last post. I guess I got busy with work for a while and totally forgot about this blog. I wasn’t monitoring the email for the blog, so I apologize for not having responded to messages. I will try to get back to people after I make some blog updates. I’m overwhelmed by the responses I’ve gotten!
What have I been up to? I had been working a lot. For a while, I was putting in a lot of overtime, and didn’t have the energy or the time to update the blog. And like I said, I totally forgot it about it for quite some time. But I’m back! At least, for now. I’m planning to write more, now that I remembered.
Right now, I’m not currently working. I left my job in August to further my education. I was trying to do both working full time and going to school for awhile. But my job was very toxic and the new manager was trying to fire me, so I left on my own accord. Because my focus is currently on my education, and that job was holding me back. I worked at that job for two years. I want to stay anonymous, so I’m not going to go into detail about what my last job was. But I will say that it involved supervising others, and that was a challenge– because a lot of the people I had to supervise were disrespectful and rude. Maybe I’m not cut out for it, but I have managed people in the past, and it was easier in a different industry. The job didn’t pay very well, either.
I’m taking an online Bootcamp course, and I will be done with the program in two weeks! I’m kinda nervous about finding a new job in this field, because I’m currently experiencing a bout of depression and the feeling of imposter syndrome, which I hear is very common in the industry I’m trying to get into. However, it’s not helping! Some of the people in my class seem to be grasping the material better than me. I think this is in part because when I first started the class, I did not put enough time into it. I did not manage my time well. I can attribute that to a lot of things. I started the class in the beginning of summer, when I was feeling more on the manic side, and there were a lot of fun distractions. I also have no experience in this subject matter, so it took some getting used to. But anyway, after quitting my job I have put more time into the class and things are making more sense. Except the thing that comes along with not working for me, is depression from not having a place to go, and not having a regular schedule that gets me out of the house. It’s also seasonal. Bipolar people tend to get more depressed in the winter. Another symptom of depression and part of being on medication is anhedonia, which I definitely experience, and it’s been affecting my motivation. The main point of this program is for me to find a better job. The field I want to go into does have a lot of jobs, but honestly sometimes I doubt myself. I know I need to have confidence in order to get the job I want. I still have a lot of preparing to do to in order to be employer-competitive. I’m nervous about technical interviews. I get test anxiety, and sometimes my mind goes blank.
Because I’ve been experiencing some depression lately, I recently went on a higher does of Abilify. At first it made me feel kinda stupid and forgetful. But I know I need to be on this higher dose in order to control my emotions better. I have not been functioning very well because I’ve been too depressed. And that is due to my chemical imbalance. But the weather is not helping. I live in the Pacific Northwest, and it’s very dark and rainy here all the time.
What I need to remind myself is that I’ve made it this far! I know I will get through the program. I’ve had my ups and downs during the six-month process. There were moments when I wanted to give up on it. But I didn’t, and now I’m almost done! It’s an accomplishment. I’m in the home stretch, so I need to keep it together and finish this thing! And get a job!